I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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