i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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