checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
