Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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