It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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