I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
