Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
