Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
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