and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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