Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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