they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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