Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
