Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
