I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
