i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
