i just wanna soil my oats bro
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
