Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You pole danced in your parka.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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