Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
