I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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