Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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