sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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