If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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