Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
