you didnt know i had herpes?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
