so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
