Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
