party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
