no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
