ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
