Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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