if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
