My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
