You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
