I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
