How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
