The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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