All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
