I hate your face
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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