This girl is more easily done than said...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
