ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
