he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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