I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
