at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
