If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
