I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
