your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
