Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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