god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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