i need an iv and a liver transplant
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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