im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
